When Communication Becomes Self-Abandonment | Your Own University

Have you ever agreed to something you really didn't want to do, then found yourself irritated because nobody seemed to appreciate everything you were doing for them?

Maybe you stayed late to help a client, took on another responsibility, or agreed to plans when what you really wanted was an evening to yourself. You smiled, said it was fine, and somewhere inside you were hoping the other person would recognize how much you were giving.

Here's the uncomfortable question. Did they actually ask you to sacrifice that much, or did you decide it was necessary to keep them happy?

I know this one personally.

Growing up, I learned that being good meant obeying, avoiding trouble, and making sure nobody had a reason to be upset with me. As an adult, I became exceptionally good at explaining myself. I could turn a simple misunderstanding into a courtroom presentation, complete with evidence, witnesses, and a closing argument about why I was a good person.

The funny thing is, nobody had appointed me the defendant.

But I had learned to experience disagreement as something I needed to defend myself against.

And I see versions of this all the time with coaches, healers, teachers, and people who genuinely want to help others.

We become so skilled at recognizing what everyone else needs that we stop asking ourselves what we want.

Is It Kindness, or Are You Afraid to Disappoint Someone?

There's nothing wrong with being generous. I love generous people, and I love being one. But generosity feels very different when you're free to choose it.

When you say yes because you're afraid someone will reject you, criticize you, or think less of you, your kindness can quietly become self-abandonment.

And here's where relationships get complicated. The other person may have no idea what's happening inside you. They heard yes. They believed you meant yes.

Meanwhile, you're waiting for them to somehow recognize the no you never expressed.

One of the reasons I appreciate Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is that it challenges us to communicate our experiences and needs rather than expecting someone else to figure them out.

What if, instead of explaining why you can't possibly disappoint someone, you simply said, “I'd love to help, but I don't have the time this week”?

No elaborate defense. No imaginary jury. Just an honest answer.

Of course, not everyone will appreciate your boundaries. And if someone repeatedly punishes or intimidates you for expressing them, the issue is bigger than communication skills.

But in relationships where there is room for mutual respect, learning to ask for what you need can change the entire conversation.

What Are You Really Saying Yes To?

Before your next automatic yes, I'd love for you to consider three questions.

What do I actually want? What am I afraid will happen if I say it? And am I choosing this because it feels right for me, or because I want someone to approve of me?

You might be surprised by what comes up. These are also meaningful questions to explore in The My Amazing YOU Journal, especially if you've spent years putting other people's expectations ahead of your own.

In the Amazing YOU Method, our Relationships Power Zone explores these patterns because the goal isn't to become better at pleasing people. It's to develop relationships where we can be honest, loving, and fully ourselves.

If this conversation has you recognizing some of your own habits, you're invited to explore them more deeply in the Amazing Relationships Online Course.

And I'd really love to hear your answer to this: When you struggle to say no, are you more afraid of hurting someone's feelings or of what they'll think about you afterward?

With love,

Dr. Lisha Antiqua Founder, Your Own University®

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